Nighttime

It seems when my depression is at its “peak,” for better use of words, that I tend to become innately nocturnal. I try to make myself go to bed at a good time in order to wake up early and feel like I’m seizing the day, yet I either lie awake for what seems like minutes, which turn into hours. Or I do fall asleep but still sleep until 10 or 11a. I do have dreams throughout the night. Vivid dreams. I wake around the same time between 3 – 4am and nothing I do to combat this seems to work.

Why am I like this? I lie in existential agony. I cry softly thinking that these days just repeat and play on while I sit there on pause, thinking about doing things only to see the time and regret wasting another day. Telling myself that tomorrow will be better. I want to feel useful but end up half finishing multiple things because I got distracted or burnt out. I cant seem to like a job after being their for 6 months, not because I cant hold down a job, but rather not liking the uneven hierarchy. I, being a entry level worker, being treated like a low income slave to a ineffective and moral lowering point system that only seems to be enforced after I decide to apply? Even though I’m not the one abusing it. Yet the point system doesn’t apply to any other positions than to the field workers -oh sorry “lower employees.” (Yes this has happened at multiple jobs, maybe I’m cursed or something)

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